Ethan turned 2 years old on 11th May. Where has the time gone? Where has life disappeared? Life is so different to how I imagined it would be. The contrast of emotions that flood in every day and sometimes every hour is such a different experience. How come no one tells you what an emotional, mental and physical challenge it is to be a parent.

Sometimes it feels like all parents are part of a cult and they want to make you one of them so they never tell you the flipside of it all. Just how amazing it is. Like, it’s an MLM and you are being recruited into it. No escape.

On the other hand, when I roll him on the bed, or run after him around the room or he is just excited and runs back and forth and during all these he laughs and laughs and laughs, it fills the heart. When he comes running back to me before going to park with daddy, just to give me a big hug and kiss me, it fills my soul. In that moment I could just ask god to take me. I’d have no regrets.

Those moments don’t last very long though. The frustration of how life is seeps in pretty quick. I have 90 mins before he is back and I’ve got to rush thru my 15 min meditation, 10 min balance, 20 mins stretch and 10 mins ultrasound and brush my teeth and brush my hair and maybe get some laundry put away. Before you know it, he is back and comes running thru the door to hug me. Heat up soup, feed him, put him down for a nap. Then maybe have some conversation with Clinton, get some work done on laptop and he is awake. Cook fish and feed him and then its evening. If we are not going to the beach, its a long few hours.

He has become addicted to Leo, the truck and does not eat without screen time. Not only that, but take 60-90 mins to eat breakfast. Without screentime there is barely any food going in. Less than half of the usual or even less. Sigh. The days are filled with so many sighs, deep breaths, wtfs, and smiles that are hiding the frustration. 2 big and 2 small meals means 4-5 hours of screentime. As a mother, it feels like a huge failure. He is in the lowest 5 percentile category in his weight. Lose some more and he would be underweight. But the child has no interest in food whatsoever.

Clinton reminds me that we need to be grateful that he is happy most of the time, healthy and eats good stuff. Sausage, bacon, strawberries, pineapple and Yoghurt for breakfast, chunky beef or chicken soup with veggies before nap, fish after nap and taco meat with sour cream and tomatoes for dinner with a banana maybe. You might think that he would put on some weigh quickly with that. Sigh. No such luck.

He is still breastfeeding and wakes up multiple times during the night and won’t go to sleep without nursing. He has always slept less than most kids his age. While other kids his age sleep 12 hours at night and have 3-4 hour naps he barely sleeps 10 hours at night and 90 min nap. 3 years of not being able to sleep well have taken a toll on my mind and body. Not only that, the whole loss of identity and mostly existing as a mother with barely any relationship time adds to the stress levels.

So many times it feels like – I did not sign up for this shit. And yet, I show up and am present and do my best to be the best mother I can. Always wanting to get better, learn more about being a better parent, talking to my therapist every week, reading literature that will help me be a better mom, scanning posts from other moms to realise that its ok. I am doing ok. We made a choice and I want to honour that choice to the best of my ability.

As challenging as it is, I think we will get through this. People say it gets easier. It doesn’t. There is always a new level of challenge thats being unlocked forcing you to pick up your game and do better. There are so many things I had planned to do with him, teach him etc by 2 and a lot of them haven’t happened. Parenting has taught me a lot of patience and to accept that life is not going to go my way always and I have to let go of the control I need on life to feel safe and secure.

I was not exposed to sports or outdoor activities growing up. So Clinton is the one teaching him basketball, scooter, and other games. Clinton comes up with ideas as to what else we can do with him. Buying him construction trucks and taking him to construction sights and building sand castles and digging and laying hot wheel tracks and playing with cars etc.. I look at how much time he spends doing all this and wonder how it will shape him growing up.

And then I wonder, what is my influence on him. Whatever is visible and measurable and very apparent is coming from Clinton. I don’t want to end up just feeding him and cooking for him and cleaning him and bathing him and then have nothing to show at the end of the day or life. And then I think about all the books I have bought for him. About how he cleans up after himself and puts things away like I have taught him, how he wants to wipe and clean and sweep and mop and brush and I see my cleaning streak in him. I taught him to be nice to things and hug the kid that was crying in the park. How he hugged me when I was not feeling great or kisses me when he hurts me. My intention is to raise him to be a caring, compassionate, loving person. Someone who is emotionally intelligent. I have my work cut out for me.

It is a huge responsibility to raise a human and know that a lot of who he becomes is nurture and some of it will be nature too. It is not easy by any stretch of imagination and by far the hardest and most challenging thing I have done and am doing. All this while knowing well that there will be some blame, some criticism, some drama when he grows up. So to do all this with no expectation in return and no gratitude in return and just spend life away for just the satisfaction that you did your best as a parent. Dear god, in all honesty, thats a little too much to ask. Anyway… breathe…

There are a lot more tantrums now and it’s shocking how logic absolutely doesn’t work in their minds yet. Another phase, another level unlocked. Good luck mama!!

Anyway, he is saying around 25 words and knows his colours and understands a lot of words, instructions and what we talk to him. He looks smart, energetic and happy. He is adorable beyond measure. I want to gobble him up so often. He is the biggest, in my face paradox in life and forcing me to grow as a person constantly. At some point I might be grateful for it, not yet.

Last 2 months at home have been good, settling with some routine and travels are about to begin. time zone changes, food changes, environment changes, no familiar surroundings, not as much parents time… I feel for him. He will never have a normal childhood. No school ever and not enough playtime with kids his age. Our lifestyle can’t make that happen. So we will do the best we can and see how life turns out to be.