The big question still hangs around. Why did you do it? You looked so happy in your relationship. What happened? What changed? Why did you move on?

For a lot of people it has been the blame game. Right from my mom to Clintons wife, my so-called friends to colleagues and ex-colleagues, from clients to unknown facebook friends. How could you? How could you get into a relationship with a married man and break the family? How could you do this to your husband? How could you do it? I’ve been called a bitch, a witch, a whore, a home wrecker and more.

It was never about betraying my then husband. It was about not betraying myself. Being totally honest and true to my feelings and emotions.

Not once has my man been asked how could you betray your wife? Atleast not that I know of. If there has to be blame, then I think we share equal responsibility. For someone who wasn’t appreciated, touched or loved for the last 7 years of his relationship and was not accepted for who he is, I think it was easy for him to fall for me who cared and respected and appreciated and understood him. Anyway… this is not about him though. It’s about my journey.

I think falling for Clinton was a very slow process. Given that I’ve known him for 9 years and worked for him for almost 5.5 and there was only deep respect and care and unconditional love for him until around 4 years ago and things started shifting. Looking back now I realise that both of us were in complete denial of our feelings as we were both married and wanted to keep our respective relationships. But then as time went by it became complicated to understand what it was that we were feeling for each other. I am glad he admitted his feelings and that gave me permission to  explore mine and realise what I wanted. It has been a painful journey and so worth it.

Personal Transformation

Part A

2014 – December

Clinton was designing case studies for his new course in Melbourne. I was chatting on fb messenger and asking about the case studies.

Me: What are these about?

Clinton: They are about drivers

Me: What are drivers?

Clinton: They are the patterns that make us do what we do, how we behave, influence our decisions.

Me: Does everyone have a driver?

Clinton: Yes

Me: Whats my driver?

Clinton: Don’t you know it already?

Me: You know I am not the analytical type. So don’t make me think. What is my driver?

Clinton: You please everyone and want to be liked and loved by everyone.

Me: Ohh. Ok!!

That conversation turned my world upside down. It was another 2×4 to the head. I was surprised to hear that. What an unconscious pattern!! “Am I really a people pleaser? What made me a people pleaser? What can I do about it? I guess I just have to increase my awareness and see if that’s what I do and change it when it is about to happen.”

I did just that. Awareness. And started making decisions differently. Even very small decisions around everyday life. It felt like Julia Roberts discovering what kind of eggs does she really like(Runaway Bride). It was a journey. Everything I was doing I was asking myself why am I doing it. Do I really want to do it? Do I feel like doing it? Will it make ME happy?

That internal conversation made me explore life, test different kinds of food, different colours of clothing, be open to different ways of living. It felt such a huge freedom to not to have to worry about what others will think or say. Such a relief. I realised that when I was a child I was told by dad that pastel colours are classy and rich and a lot of my choices reflected that. I have always loved bold bright colours and I started choosing to wear more of those than colours that make me look washed out. Black lipstick became my new favourite. I think it was also a way of saying fk you to the world and that I didn’t care what it thought. I loved my newfound freedom. What a beautiful journey to discover more about yourself. I am so different than the girl I was 4 years ago. Some people don’t like this upgraded version and want the old version back. Sorry. It’s a Russian Ratchet. Only goes forward. Not back. The bottomline is, I love who I have become and am becoming. If you don’t like it, move along.

Part B

When guests came home(25-30 years ago), they usually appreciated my brother for his lovely eyes. What I made up about that was that my eyes weren’t beautiful. I did not like my cheek bones and huge ugly lips and big gums(the first thing my ex said he noticed about me and rated me a 6.5 on beauty) and that my facial bone structure was like my dads and why couldn’t I have my moms features. I had so many stretch marks on my body that I hated it. Slim bony hands with all the veins showing and ugly feet. A friend from high school asked me 22 years ago if I really thought I looked pretty when I laughed and that shut down my laughter for over a decade or two.

It’s just stuff right. Keeps getting piled up and you keep living with it without realising how much baggage you’ve accumulated. Around 3 years ago, Clinton once said to me, your eyes are so beautiful like a pool, I could dive in them and never want to come back. In my mind I was like, really? No way!! When I flew back home to London, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at and into my eyes like I had never before. For the first time, I fell in love with my eyes. I love them. They are gorgeous.

Part C

Another conversation and Clinton said, you look so beautiful when you smile and laugh. Another NO WAY!!! And with time I accepted that my smile was beautiful and I could laugh without having to hide my mouth and face and that it was ok to be myself. Last year when I moved in with Clinton, at some point he said, you are so beautiful!! I brushed it off and said something.

Clinton: Wait, I just told you that you are beautiful and you don’t seem to believe it.

Me: ummm.. Yes. I know that I am not. I am an average looking girl.

Clinton: No, you are not. You don’t realise how gorgeous you are.

Me: Come on Clinton. Maybe you think that because you love me.

Clinton: No, that’s not true. Well, its true that I love you but you are beautiful regardless.

Me: ok. Whatever.

Clinton: I want you to say that I am beautiful.

Me: ……

Clinton: I am not letting this go. It’s ridiculous that you’ve lived your life thinking you are not beautiful. Did no one ever tell you that?

Me: No.

Clinton: Wow. Well, its time you realised how beautiful you are. Say it. I am beautiful.

After 15-20 mins of tears and repetition of conversation, I managed to say, I am beautiful with my eyes closed. It was a breakthrough. I never liked looking at myself naked in the mirror. I mean who does that right? Slowly I reached a point where I was able to do that and love my body and my curves and how sexy they look and how fortunate I am to have a beautiful body and face and there is no reason to hide my smile and I can wear sandals and not have to hide my feet. More baggage released.

Part D

Sexual harassment and molestation is so widely present in India that it became a part of life. Something you just have to live with. As a 6-7 yr old I was molested by an older boy in the neighbourhood when I was having a sleep-in at their house. I walked home after midnight and told mom what had happened. Mom checked me and said everything was ok and I should go to sleep. When I started my menstruation cycle, I was told not to tell anyone or talk about this topic with anyone. All the years of travelling in public transport where you are being touched inappropriately by men walking past and at bus stops and railway stations and don’t have the courage to say anything; for all these years, I could not discuss sex or menstruation or anything that was considered taboo with anyone. Not even my closest friends. My ex and I hardly discussed sex throughout our relationship. Yes you do it and that’s about it. I now realise that my body was so shut down that I did not feel desire. That it was still taboo to explore anything other than just regular intercourse. That it was wrong. It all changed with my new relationship. I am so much in touch with my body now. It feels great to feel desire and the curiosity to explore different things and the satisfaction of making this aspect of life much more fun and enjoyable. It is so much easier to discuss about sex with my girlfriends and laugh about things that I would have only walked away from in disdain. Clinton is always surprised how the women who come from the land of Kamasutra can be so repressed.

Part E

Clinton is constantly a mirror of being selfish (in a good way). I am finally learning that I come first. That self love is so important. That standing up for yourself means so much in life. That if its to be its upto me. It is a slow process but I am getting there. I’ve spent last two relationships completely being there for the other person, making them my mission and goal and thats changing in this relationship. The reason I did not want to have kids for the last 10 years was to live my life. I am asking myself regularly if I am living my life. If this relationship didn’t exist, what would I do with my life. Am I doing it now? I don’t have the answers yet but I am getting there. Me asking these questions is a big step in itself and an indication of how far I have come.

I’ve seen mom serve us fresh food and she ate leftovers from previous day, she got the old cellphones, she put dad first in her life and I saw that and did that. I wasn’t as important. I earned less than my husband so I was secondary. I wanted the best for him and I compromised on what I wanted and would have loved to have for myself. Clinton offers me massages and foot rubs and it was hard for me to say yes initially. I am the one who is supposed to be giving. Receiving is weird. It is not what I am used to. This has been one of the toughest patterns to deal with. To put myself first. To be ok to be pampered, loved, worshipped and be called a goddess, to voice my opinions, to stand up for what I think is right, to ask for what I want. I no longer want to find pride in being the sacrificial goat and offering my life to someone.

My dear girlfriend, Parul Banka from London, who is an amazing coach, kept asking me if I had realised the answers to why I did it. I kept saying no for a long time. Remember I am not analytical and don’t want to think too much. So she started asking me questions one day on a call and all the above things came up during that conversation. She analysed it all and arrived at a conclusion. It seemed a logical and fair conclusion. So I just copy paste that nowadays when people ask why. She said it’s the Maslows need hierarchy theory. In your previous relationship your physiological, safety and social needs were being met but Clinton satisfied your higher needs. Self-esteem and self-actualisation needs. He set you on the path to fulfil those needs and that is why it was easier to fall for him. I agree. I wouldn’t be who I am without him.

I now know some of the logical reasons why I did it but even if I didn’t, I would never regret following my heart and would not wander for answers. I will never have all the answers. I don’t need to have all the answers. I am sure there is a lot more to it as well. The ability to live and work together and have so much fun and make so many magical memories and have so much time together, the belief that he is my Twin Flame and that we are meant to be in each other’s life to cause growth and transformation, the adventure and exploration of life together, the desire to live in the bubble of our fantasies and delusions and making that happen and so much more. It is beautiful now and there is a deep knowing that even if it didn’t last it would never be regretted and would be worth every moment lived together.

May the fairytale continue….