Wow.. it’s been so long since I wrote my last blog. Just says how much I’ve been consumed in my new relationship and world travel. But then again, I’m not here to write about my current relationship. Thats for a future date.
Today I want to dive, delve, reminisce into the beauty of what was.
Pradeep and I met on 15th Sept 2004 in Bangalore through a common friend. He had come to help the damsel in distress(me) when my first husband was in ICU due to a drink and drive accident. We were going through our divorce proceedings when the accident happened. Looking back you realise what events had to happen to lead to that point to make this meeting happen. It didn’t take long to fall in love with him, given his nature, attitude and mannerisms.
Long story short, we were married in April 2007 without the presence of any of his family members. They did not like me when I met them earlier and it was a flat no from their end. I was a year older than he was, I belonged to a lower caste, I was a divorcee and I wasn’t the fair and beautiful daughter-in-law they were hoping for. Relationship with them was always strained for the 11 years we were together.
When we got married and moved to Navi Mumbai, the plan was to spend a year together and then have kids. Unfortunately, 6 months after the wedding I fell sick and 3 months later it was diagnosed as tuberculosis of the lymph nodes. I saw death in the face and returned. It took around 18 months to recover during which my desire for having a child had died. I wanted to live. I wanted to experience life without getting caught up in it. Everyone thought my decision would change at some point. It didn’t.
By the time I recovered, Pradeep had applied for a visa for UK and found a job. We moved to UK in June 2009 and a new chapter of life began. I was relieved to have left India and all the stress and judgements that come with living there. It felt like freedom in some ways. The next 6 years were spent living in shared accommodations in London where you share the kitchen with several other people in the house. The sacrifices paid off and with the savings we were able to buy a house in 2015. Thats the skeleton of the story.
How was it to be in a relationship with Pradeep? Calling him Pradeep is still weird as I hardly ever called him by that name. I have called him Aakash for all the 14 yrs. My birth name Dharti means earth and a sufi had once told my dad that to understand the earth you have to be the sky. So I named him Aakash(sky) because I wanted him to be the one who understands me and gets me. I love that name. He understood me alright.
So who is Aakash? He is a gentle, kind, caring, loving person. His empathy and compassion have no bounds. He is a great listener, a quality, women like me crave in their men. He used to be an avid reader and I felt proud of his knowledge. He is a peace lover. He loves dogs. Loves to go on long rides and drives. You could win him over with a cup of tea and some onion bhaji.
Aakash loves kids and always wanted us to have one at least. I didn’t. And so he lived with my decision never making me feel bad about it. He kept requesting me to cultivate some hobbies, read, find a job, find some meaning in my life. I was content with the magical relationship we had and the love that blossomed between us. At one point when we decided to start a training business together I was very excited about working together and spending more time. It didn’t work. He had to focus on earning bread and I was too depressed to do even day to day stuff.
Did I say depressed? In hindsight, that’s the conclusion we’ve drawn. Sleeping long hours on a regular basis, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to eat, cook, clean, not wanting to even brush teeth until 7pm and just staring into the phone or walls or something else for hours and not knowing where the day went. There was a lot of that in the first few years in London. I guess relationship was the only thing that was great and working. Nothing else. He supported me through all the good days and bad.
Time spent with him, especially evenings after his work day and weekends with him were the best of times. My love language is quality time, quality conversations in particular. I looked forward to spending time with him, discussing various topics, laughing, having fun. He had a way to lighten up the energy and make life look much more beautiful. I guess my relationship with him was the best thing that had happened to me and I couldn’t have enough of it.
There was clearly enough love in our eyes and hearts and when people saw us together they could sense and see and feel it. We were considered the ideal couple and our relationship was looked up to by so many. We were soulmates and if we believe in the past life regression sessions we did, we had been together in several lifetimes.
A connection like that does not come into your life everyday and does not ever come into the lives of many. I am grateful for having met him, loved him, been loved in return and spent almost 12 magical years in a relationship with him.
Around 3 yrs ago when I told him that I had strong feelings for someone else, he didn’t say much immediately. In the months that followed, we discussed having a polyamorous relationship. It took him a few months to process what was happening and then he arrived at the decision that he would only want a committed monogamous relationship. He asked me to make a choice. Given that we are divorced right now, I clearly did not choose him. He was mature enough to understand that life changes, people change and our journeys had taken us very far from each other. We had grown on our journeys to become very different people than who we started as at the beginning of this relationship.
But logic and maturity does not reduce the pain. We both went through a huge amount rollercoaster of emotions after separating from each other. This is not how we had imagined our lives to end up. We were meant for the happily ever after. We were the dream couple. We both couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong and where. We went through phases of anger, bitterness, denial, resignation etc and came out the other side in acceptance and with the realisation that what had happened cant and wont change the beautiful past we had. So we chose to remain friends. The love is still there. The care is still there. The chemistry isn’t and it is still beautiful to see what it has grown into.
I wish I can attend his wedding but I know it’s not practical. None of his family members want to see me ever again and most people wont understand why we still talk to each other or see each other or hang out together. And even though it is heartbreaking to miss his wedding, he has agreed with me that if and when I get married, he will travel to wherever it is and walk me down the aisle to hand me over to the love of my life. I think that is precious. Whether or not he will be able to make it, is irrelevant.
The salsa lessons together, the late night adventures, the knowing of my needs before I know them, the full moon nights by the beach, the budget holidays, the signature happy dance move, the finding joys in smallest of things, the care for my parents, the love for my brother, the allowing me to live my life on my terms, the putting up with my whims and fancies, the changing the house decor for my craze of Feng Shui, the laughing till we cry moments, the cleaning frenzie afternoons, the always eating in the same plate, the holding hands all the time, the non-judgement of who I have become and my choices… the memories are endless and the depth of the connection immeasurable.
I love you Aakash and will always do!!
