MIt’s been a while like every other time and then you only realise it when the sand has disappeared from your hands. Time has gone and life has been lived and then you wake up and you think and think hard and ask yourself… what happened? Most of the times there are no answers. Sometimes there’s regret. Sometimes all there’s left to do is to let go and sometimes it feels like a life worth lived. And all of that within days and weeks.. all of it.

The answers evade you and the mystery allures you. The questions just never end…

What is a good life? A life worth living? What is right? Is anything wrong?

There’s so much good out there and also so much heartbreak and fear and disappointment. You watch a world renowned bank fund terrorism, you watch the sex trade, the corruption, the pedophilia in church, the selfish motives behind things that change the planet forever, destroying cultural heritage sites, disrespect of the natives, killing of endangered species for pleasure and money, the destruction of the amazon, the defacating of the planet and there are no words left.

I feel anger, rage, heartbreak and a whole lot of fear. There are moments when I want to go out there and end all misery and then there are moments of extreme fear for my life and the life of my loved ones and the power that these people hold. And then I calm down but the question still remains… what difference am I making?

It all started last Christmas when the facebook ad of an orangatun went viral and it got me thinking, what an ignorant life I’m living!! I reduced my plastic usage to minimum, became more aware of what I am buying and eating, looking for other solutions to change small things in daily life. And yet it feels so miniscule. It feels like none of this will make a difference. There needs to be something more and I don’t know what. I need to be something more and I don’t know how. It is a very unsettling feeling. To know that this is the world I live in.

Every act of trust, love and care touches me. Every act of vulnerability, innocence and selflessness moves me. I do my best to do good out there and yet it feels like it will never be enough. Right now it feels like I’m failing the species, failing this planet and failing my purpose.