For lack of a better expression…

I don’t even know if I am going to be coherent right now and be able to express how I feel and what I feel. I am at a loss of words and yet here I am wanting to use 100s of words to express my loss of words. How ironic!! I just want to express whats going on between my ears for the last 10 weeks. It is too much to just be contained in there. It needs air and needs to be allowed to be expressed. Not to teach, show, prove, justify, or stir anything. But to purely express.

A lot of stuff is not adding up. Or maybe I’m just weak at maths.

How did we get to the point of being so easily manipulated and so easily offended. Why is it that so many thought leaders and people n positions of influence including those in the self development industry are quiet and not talking about whats going on, their thoughts and their stand? Is it safe to be in our comfort zones and pretend that nothing’s wrong or that its just a small bump in the road and all will be well. Is it about not wanting to alienate clients and lose sales and business and reputation. Is it about not wanting to say anything because it wont lead to any changes. Is it about feeling that what I am currently doing to transform peoples life is enough and I do not need to take any additional burden or responsibility about the shit that going down outside of my tiny little world? Is it the fear of being judged harshly and being caught in the crossfires? Is it about justifying that instead of being a victim to the current situation we need to utilize it to our advantage. Sure lets just be opportunists and see how we can gain from the fear of insecurities of all others.

I asked one such leader why they were not expressing their thoughts or how they feel or their opinion about whats happening. Why were they, a huge person of influence, not actively voicing their thoughts. I wasn’t asking for protest or being an activist but they chose to just turn a cold shoulder to the world… I felt let down.

I can’t trust a lot of what is said out there but from the looks of it a lot of the visible world is on fire in lots of ways. And this so called Leader asked me why I wasn’t a person of influence and why I was unconsciously asking them to do something and not doing something about it myself. Why should they, a person born in a lot of privilege and luck who attributes everything to their hard work, bother or care.

Yes I am angry. But more than that I am disappointed. I rationalise and justify and fight with myself for what the world has come to.

I am expecting these leaders and influencers to do something and it is easy to expect and point a finger and blame. But I am also coming from a place of – I don’t know. I don’t have the clarity yet and you probably do since you are who you are… but maybe a lot of them don’t have clarity either.

I once said to my girlfriend that I am disappointed in humanity and how little they care about the planet and the forests and the ecosystem and she said, well, you are a part of that humanity and you are a contributor when you jet set in planes around the world and when you live the lifestyle you live. It is only a matter of degree. The person who is higher on that degree or scale feels or look evil but where is your responsibility and where is your contribution?

It did hit hard. How very biased of me to look at it the way I was looking. How very selfish!! How judgemental!!

86% of the population (if I am to trust any figures online) is literate. And over 58% use internet and around 40% are on some social media platform. So the remaining 60% highly likely are influenced by what they are told, what they get from newspapers and TV. The channels that are probably the least trustworthy. And a lot of those who are on social media are probably confused with all the contradicting information that is out there.

I have had various conversations with different groups of people in different countries and the common theme is – we don’t know what to trust and what not to trust anymore. It is emotional and exasperating.

I hear about Covid-19. I hear about it coming from China. Then I hear about it being manufactured in a lab. Then I hear some doctors say wear masks and other doctors say dont wear masks. I hear about the great deeds of Bill Gates and then I hear about all the deaths and experiments and the dark side. I hear about people changing their stance on things as soon as the situation changes. A lot of people have a lot of strong opinions about who is right and who is wrong and what is right and what is wrong. I hear about the death of a black guy at the hands of a white police. Then I see posts about them being friends. Then I see a post about they both being pornstars. Then I see a post that the guy is not even a police officer. Then I see a post that the person who died wasnt the person they are talking about. Then I see a post saying that the person with that name actually died 3 years ago. Then I listen to Candace and am impressed how articulate she is and then I get told she is a pawn and has an agenda and how this whole thing is a leftist lie and how the extreme rights want to bring it down. I hear about JK Rowling being under fire and being called a TERF. I read her opinions and a lot of it seems logical and makes sense and yet I understand that the other side has their reasons to do, say and believe what they want to. On one hand Trump is portrayed as an idiot and on the other I watch a video that shows how what he said in a 90 mins speech was taken totally out of context without sharing why he said what he said and made him look like an enemy of the people. I read about all the laws being passed and court cases happening and important agendas being manifested while the world is busy burning.

As an average Jane Doe, I am confused. I don’t want to get into any political fights because both sides have their own agenda, do not want to be in the middle of any crossfires, do not want to talk about things I am not an expert at, do not want to take sides because both sides are highly likely being manipulative and going to extremes to prove their point. I understand that Black Lives Matter and I can see why they would be so enraged but do I want to support a cause that is totally just, but quite likely being used by some people to fulfil their own agendas. People who wont care about this cause if it didn’t meet their own needs. Yes, I am all for justice and yet will I join a cause that looks like it is for justice but quite likely is being used and misused, using the emotions of the affected people seeking justice, for selfish motives of a select few. I do some research and find there is so much conflicting information that I wouldn’t be able to tell a truth from a lie. How much can I trust the sources of information who mostly have some agenda of their own? I feel helpless and sometimes like a victim. Are the common people just puppets and nothing more?

Is it easier to focus on my work and my life and my goals and my relationship and as long as that is all well I don’t need to worry about anything else? I don’t think so. I feel selfish for even having the thought that I should bury my head and remain in my bubble and not give a toss about what is happening in the world. And yet I have more questions than answers. I want a world of acceptance and peace and I see a world where pedophilia, rape, racism, sexism, fear, control, manipulation, selfishness and greed exist on a large scale.

I had a discussion with another girlfriend a few years ago and she asked me a few questions which made me realise that I do have a bias in my mind based on the colour of peoples skin or religion or country. It has been so subtle and unconscious. And I considered myself to not be a racist. When asked I realised that I would be more scared if I saw a black person at night when I was alone than when I saw a white person. And I have friends who are BIPOC. So it was a weird realisation. How much has media had an impact on me to unconsciously have that bias. How much have I been told that a terrorist is highly likely a muslim than any other religion. How much did I want to be lighter skinned because culturally people around me thought that fair skin was better and superior. How much would I trust an Indian over a Pakistani. And all these questions have left me thinking and asking myself even more about my perception and how much of it is actually true and how much is overly influenced by something I have been led to believe which may or may not be true.

I am questioning everything. I am privileged to be able to question everything. I don’t have a 9-5 job and a family to support and kids to manage and the stress of fulfilling the food, clothing and shelter needs. I am privileged to have the luxury of questioning all this from an air conditioned room on the 14th floor of a country I am not even a citizen of, while sipping wine. I am wanting to find out what lies in the matrix of – I don’t know that I don’t know. It is a quest.

The questions remain… How did we allow ourselves to get to this point? What is needed to change the direction? What do I want to create and what is my role now in being able to create that? As unsettling as it is, I will stay with the questions until I can find some clarity, some direction, some answers.