The 2x4s never seem to stop and I think it’s great that way. These last couple of years wouldn’t have been the same without them. Feels like years’ worth of experiences and lessons squeezed in a short amount of time. And yes, life will never be the same again.
Given my past, where I have been very protected and cared for, it is not surprising that I became very dependent on my family. I have had a very comfortable lifestyle where I never had to worry about earning my living or undertake any responsibilities. Looking back, I realise that I never got to face life first hand or experience living most of my life. And with time the longing to go out and do something, be someone, travel, explore, truly live has increased tremendously. The pull has been very strong and I could physically feel the symptoms of being caged, of being trapped in my past, in my beliefs, in my patterns.
It’s like when the student is ready, the master arrives.
Approximately 8 months ago my mentor was talking to me about drivers and how people have different drivers which result in what they do, how they behave and the decisions they make. I don’t usually analyse things like these or use a lot of logic. So I asked him what my driver was since he has seen me closely and watched me in the training room for 5 yrs. He did not hesitate to tell me that looking good was my driver. Sometimes you know certain things and you want to overlook them and then it hits you straight in the face. Most of my interactions with my mentor lead to long contemplating sessions and I come on the other side a changed person. Most of these changes have lasted and tell me that they will, for the rest of my life.
It’s a process. It may seem slow but I realise that I am progressing on my own journey. I have had several dicussions with my husband, and various interactions with close friends and even simple normal conversations have brought deeper insights within me. I am nowhere close to being an enlightened person, however, I am grateful that I am growing and changing and transforming so much. A part of it is, being authentic with myself and others. A part of it is, questioning my actions and going deeper into why I do what I do. My beliefs around self-worth, around not being lovable, around non belongingness have been triggered right, left and centre in the past few months.
Is looking good still my driver? Do I still have those beliefs of not being worthy, of not being lovable, of not belonging? Yes. And like I said it’s a journey. I am aware of them now and that awareness has brought a lot of changes. Do I still have a long way to go? Yes. Am I happy with the progress I have made? Very much so. The amount of freedom and courage that I have experienced in the past few months has left me surprised. And I feel I am taking baby steps and its ok. I am new to the world out there. I am new to these new experiences. I am new to living life.
I have loved and lost, I have taken my closest relationships for granted all my life, I have been rude, unempathetic and non compassionate where I was required to be otherwise. I have been possessive, I have taken more in certain relationships than I have given, I have run after and cared for those who did not bother while ignoring those who cared for me, I have done things that I am not proud of, I have unintentionally hurt some people I love the most… I have done it all… and the realisations in the last few months have caused shifts in me to understand all this and make me a better, bigger person.
The 2x4s still hit hard. There is so much growth involved, so much inner work, so much transformation. I have been in the thick of all the insights for months now and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and the ups and downs are sometimes ugly. At the end of it though, there’s always light, there’s always a smile, there’s always gratitude.
My travels have increased in the last 7 months and the travels have been one of the reasons of the shifts that have taken place. People close to me are being mirrors and knowingly or unknowingly supporting me on this journey. I love to travel. And I am loving every bit of my inner journey. I am finding more and more about myself on this journey. So when I came across the word Wanderlust, it just felt so right. To me, it expressed everything I was going through, in one word… my passion, my desire, my journey… everything. And this is why I chose to ink it on me because it is what I have been experiencing and what is moving mountains within me. The birds in my tattoo represent the freedom I feel when I walk this path and the freedom I yearn when I don’t.
Let’s say life happened to me until now and now I am creating my life!! It’s different!! It’s huge!! It’s Beautiful!!
