I fell in love when I was 13. And no, it wasn’t infatuation. I don’t think infatuation lasts for years on end. Anyway, the first guy I fell for, I wrote 200 pages of love letters expressing my love for him. He was tall and fair. He was handsome, smart and had a great sense of humour. The second guy I fell for, I lost my focus and went to ‘F’ from straight ‘A’s. It didn’t matter as I felt he was perfect for me. He was short and fair. He was street smart, took life with a pinch of salt and was a great talker. The third guy I fell for, I wrote the longest poem of my life for him. He was tall, dark and handsome. He was caring, patient and had a great sense of humour. The fourth guy I fell for, I handed my life to him without thinking twice. He was tall and fair. He was caring, soft-spoken and empathetic. The fifth guy I fell for, I connected with him on a very deep soul kind of level and realised it as soon as I read ‘Many lives, many masters’. He was tall, fair and handsome. He was shy, sweet and creative. The sixth guy I fell for, I felt a perfect connection and the synchronicities were endless. It felt like a twin flame. A peculiar pull that I had never felt before. He was tall and fair. He was intelligent, creative and had a great sense of humour.

4 of the 6 guys were younger to me. Only 4 of them knew I loved them. I had an intimate relationship with 4 of them. I am in touch with 5 of them. It’s great on a transparent, authentic, friendship level with 3 of them and very close with the other 2.

Except for the first and the fifth guy, I spoke to all others on phone or through other means of communication for hours on end everyday. I focused my whole life on the relationship and gave it my all. Loving them made me happy. I was always in love with love, in love with the idea of love, in love with the idea of a perfect relationship. It was great until it lasted and I was always left heartbroken at the end of it. I always felt I gave way more than I received. But who was I to blame. I gave what I had and each one of them gave what they could. No one measured upto my level as to the depth of love, as to the craziness of love. None loved me like I wanted to be loved. It always left me feeling that I would never find true love.

What I understand now is that everyone’s definition of love is vastly different from the other person’s and it changes with time. My definitions have changed with how much I have grown and evolved in life. My perceptions about a lot of things have shifted. The borders between right and wrong have moved several times for me and with each move I have become less judgemental and more accepting, less resentful and more forgiving. I am still possessive about my relationships and am learning to let go. Although I would say, I have come a long way.

I still love them all and would go out of my way for them. I never learnt how to unlove people after you love them. It’s a good thing I think. Although, I am emotionally very attached to a couple and most of the joy comes in life from them and most hurt comes from them too, not fulfilling my expectations, from not caring about my feelings or it always being all about them.

My ability to love people and connect with them is way more than I have seen in people around me. And I feel it’s a gift if I can use it wisely and a curse if I create expectations around my relationships and make life hell for myself. It’s a tricky road and I have to tread wisely. My patterns still engulf me and the past is not forgotten yet. I have to find a way to cherish my hopeless romantic heart and not end up in hurt and pain. Finding the balance where I can nourish my soul while I love others will be my test. A test, I am determined to pass.